I've just experienced a miscarriage.
It's my second one; I also experienced one in between the births of my two boys. From go to wo, it has been an amazing, transcendent experience. How can this be, you ask?
A few months ago now, in the evening, I was meditating, and I thought to make contact with the little girl I had been pregnant with back in 2013. That little spirit was female, and I named her Montserrat, after the beautiful mountain range in Spain. I had a beautiful journey with her and she is around me; she is a part of our family and as such I talk to her now and then. It's lovely to know she is there. My kids know they have a sister.
Like most souls, energetically she feels about 30 years-old. So as I chatted I felt like I was communicating with a friend; someone close to my own age... I hadn't communicated with her for a long while, and as I was chatting, among other things I communicated to her how it would have been nice to bring through a female; to continue the female line in our family, of which I am a part...
No sooner had I done this than she said to me very clearly "Not me, but... !" and she pushed the energy of another person in between our communication. I was quite taken aback for a moment... Then I realised she was talking about another person!! I was able to perceive them, both of them, jumping up and down, hugging each other and laughing. They were very excited that I had got the message.... and to be coming here to Gaia. I was pretty sure she had said they were both coming and the name 'Maryam' kept appearing in my head over and over again, so I knew what the name of this other new little soul was.
Wow! I was excited too - I could feel their excitement and that made me excited. I ran to the bathroom where I still had an old pregnancy test. I did it and a faint line showed that yes, I was indeed pregnant. Although we had not been planning a new little baby we were by no means against it - we had been humming and hawing about it for some time. I told my husband all of this in the morning... He found it hard to believe, even upon seeing the test, but that's guys for you! Even with the evidence right in front of their eyes! But this was lovely news to us both.
I checked the computer with my last missed period [LMP] the next morning and according to the dates I was five-six weeks pregnant. Wow! I thought... I have a bit on! I hope am not too tired on my upcoming trip.
The news of this pregnancy made me question a lot... I was off to Brazil soon... Would the flights and the radiation from them harm the pregnancy? I already have two kids... Was I too old and tired to be a mother to a newborn again? Where would we all live? Currently we are renting but I need to be with my husband to have babies -- and he's spending half the week a long way away... How would I do that? Would I move back to Sydney? Would we fit in our house? What if it was twins? How would I cope? Was my husband too old? Would I stay in Byron Bay? What about all the radiation that I left behind? The pollution? I went off to Brazil pondering all these issues, in a whirlwind of questions and thoughts.
While I was away on this spiritual journey, although I did my best, I just couldn't get the idea of home out of my head. [Where would I raise these kids? Where was my home? Where did I live?] Accepting my ceaseless mind was a task. Although I did my best to quiet it, eventually the ego was too noisy and so I chose to sit in quiet acceptance with it... to let the ego do its thing, to let it worry and nut it out; to accept that I was a Mother and this is what a Mother's mind can do sometimes, when she is concerned about her family.
While away I was meditating and a clear image of a house came into my mind. My third eye throbbed. The house had a roof line with an apex and felt like it was in a particular spot in Sydney.
After two weeks of this chatter I came home with a great desire and need to know what was going on in my body. Knowing that I was now about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant I felt comfortable booking a scan to tell me how the pregnancy was coming along. At this first scan we were given the news that the baby's size did not match the gestational age. The scan showed a five week foetus, not a 7-8 week one. The lady was kind and sympathetic; she did not want to be the bearer of bad news but it didn't look good. We were told that we needed to check in again in a week but that it didn't look good. Being spiritual and accepting of all dharma, this did not sadden me; my husband and I accepted our position and gave each other a hug. We booked in a scan for the following week in Byron Bay to confirm the inevitable.
A week later we arrived at the clinic in Byron Bay. After a minute the lady with the scan told us that things had changed again... We were definitely pregnant! We had a healthy heartbeat, and it looked like we had two little babies in there. Twins!! Well! Our scan was consistent with the previous one and the foetus that was visible was now 1 week bigger - 6 weeks old. Once again we adjusted our focus to include babies - not one but two! We congratulated each other on our fertility and, a bit dazed, went about our business for the next week or so.
Unfortunately after this transvaginal ultrasound I started to bleed. In normal circumstances I would never have had any ultrasounds up to this point... Personally, I don't like them. While others may disagree, I believe the high frequency sound is not conducive to healthy development, and that little developing foetuses should be left alone until they are through the first part of development and that one scan at 12 weeks is more than sufficient. I couldn't quite believe that I had ended up having two already; though I can see how it happened as I type it out here.
The bleeding was light spotting at first and dried blood so I didn't worry. However, it continued and it didn't stop for another week. At this time it began to get red; fresh blood. Now it was time to go to the doctor. After blood tests to confirm pregnancy I was asked to wait another week, which I did. The bleeding became worse. I got cramps. At this point I was doing everything I could to hold onto the pregnancy. I was praying, I was singing, I was laughing, I was eating amazingly healthy food. I remember crying on my bed one night from both the pain and the emotions, and even then, I felt a warm energy telling me not to worry, that this was how it had to be. I even felt that I was being a bit silly for being so indulgent as to think this was all about me. I was asked to have another ultrasound. This time one foetus was visible and the heartbeat was lower... this little one was definitely struggling. With all the cramps and bleeding I was very impressed that anything was still going on in there.
As I came home I thought it was time to really take this to God-Goddess. My littlest boy was being babysat and so I could sit outside in meditation, with Mother Nature and all the energy that is Life. I went deep, deep inside and I spoke of all my feelings to Source and I sat with them... and then I let them go. Then I was free to communicate. I shared that I was doing everything I could to hold onto the little spirits inside of me, that I was ready to do this Motherhood thing again that the little spirits would enter a warm and loving home. Then finally, I added, that if these little souls needed to go back home, I would release them, and let them go.
This was the watershed moment; up until this point I had been holding on to the pregnancy, but now I let it go. I felt a huge shift... and waves of happiness and joy and light filled me. I got up from the meditation feeling refreshed; I knew that no matter what happened that it would be the right thing. Although my physical body was still going through a lot with the bleeding and the cramps, my spiritual body felt light and happy.
That night I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt that the house we are living in was covered in flowers... flowers were blooming and growing all over it.. a gorgeous cacophony of colour and fragrance and delight was everywhere the eye could see. Pink roses climbed over the tables and up the walls and happiness vibrated through me. All the colours of the rainbow were around me! Dreams of blooming flowers are always a good sign; and I certainly felt it was a good sign; that I was developing, blooming, growing in the right direction. It had been right to let the energy of the little souls and the pregnancy go.
Eventually my body did miscarry naturally. For those who have not experienced it, a miscarriage at this stage, is Birth- it is accompanied by your waters breaking, by the wild, transcendent state that accompanies Birth... You have contractions; you double over in the moment with them, full-on contractions! There's no way around it; the breathing... the transcendent state. There is blood, a lot of blood.
Contractions. Breath. Prayer. Blood.
Contractions. Breath. Prayer. Blood...
Moving into the state to become one with the Divine Feminine and all who have done this before you. So good to be in a warm bath, to catch the tissue as it comes out, to catch the blood. Sharing the moment with all womankind. The tears and torment of birth. Your ancestors watching you, holding you. Alone in my house, on my knees, crying in my bathroom. I could feel my energy open. I felt so alone, so vulnerable. Yet watched, cared for. I knew what was happening and I let it happen. I let it wash out of me, and over me. I called for someone to watch my kids. Eventually I was able to lay on my bed and rest. The worst was over.
It's taken me weeks to process this pregnancy... it's been an amazing journey. Full of magic from the get-go. Full of mystery. Full of life at the coal-front of womanhood... All the tears, the torment, the blood, the life... Being a woman, going through kundalini, walking this path, learning when to hold on and when to let go.... All of this I share, so you can know this is Life, this is She, this is you, this is We.
For helpful information if you've been going through the same thing:
The work of Walter Machiken, author of the profoundly insightful Spirit Babies shares alot about the misconceptions most of us have about miscarriages